To Work or Not To Work...
Opening up about my internal dialogue, dilemma, and decision on being a working mom.
Before you begin reading my most recent post, I wanted to share that I’ve renamed my newsletter! It was originally named Moments & Mirrors since I started my Substack as a place to document stories and reflections while raising my daughters. It’s since become a little bit more all-encompassing. I find myself also sharing ideas on intentional living and other interests I have. So with that, I’ve changed the name to The Mindful Mama. If you’re new here, welcome! :)
I’m baaaack… (to work)
As I’m writing this, I’ve just finished my first day back to work after maternity leave. Sigh.
My return to working, once again, comes with a jumbled-up bag of emotions:
On one hand, I’m sad, of course. It’s been 12 weeks since my baby has entered the world. It feels like I’m just getting to know her in some ways, despite her literally being created inside of me. I want more time to bond, to snuggle, and to continue postpartum-healing.
On another hand, I’m excited to get back to work and to work towards what will eventually become our family’s general rhythm. The stability.
And if I am being honest with myself, I like having an outlet to pour myself into outside of motherhood. And I feel guilty for not only admitting that, but for feeling it in the first place.
It’s a mix of feelings that I’ve felt inspired to really dive into and explore.
To Work or Not To Work, That was the Question
When I was pregnant the first time around, I daydreamed about the possibility of being a stay-at-home mom. For some reason, a large handful of my friends in high school had a stay-at-home parent. I envied it - they’d come home to houses that were clean, dinner preparations starting, a parent ready and willing to help with homework or school projects, somebody who’d be able to pick them up and take them to practices or events. I liked the idea of me being a stay-at-home mom because I knew what it felt like to want one.
Yet, when it came time to really weigh the options, I found myself being drawn to working. There was a combination of things that made me feel this way…
Frankly, I worked my ass off to put myself through college and to make a strong and steady living afterwards.
While I was pregnant, I read the book Cribsheet by Emily Oster (highly recommend). The book lays out facts and data behind parenting choices and considerations, in a way that doesn’t pressure you or persuade you to make any choices. It provides you the information to make the best choice for you.
A chapter on childcare mentioned one consideration is retirement. If you take time off working, that can be time you aren’t putting $$ in your retirement savings. I’ve seen what can happen to adults who do not properly plan future expenses, whether that’s retirement/insurance/etc. I don’t want to experience that type of stress. To be blunt, those situations instilled a deep fear that became a driving motivator for me in school and my career. Financial stability is incredibly important to me for deeply personal reasons.
Simply: I just knew it in my gut.
That gut feeling was quickly reassured during my first months as a new parent. I very loudly commend stay-at-home moms. It is without a doubt a job in itself - one that is never turned off and is highly demanding.
I’m grateful that I became a parent at a time when I can say I truly know myself now. I knew that I would be a better parent, partner, and person if my life had the balance of motherhood and a job outside of it. Yet I felt feel like I shouldn’t feel that way or dare to admit it. It feels like when you become a mom, there is the expectation that it should completely and utterly fulfill you.
And it does! I’ve never done anything even nearly as rewarding as having and raising my children. They’ve absolutely become my purpose. Yet I still want things out of life, outside of them. Does that make me…selfish?
That’s what the voice in my head tells me: Why are you being so selfish? You’ve always wanted children and here you are taking it all for granted.
I’m at a loss at why that is the internal dialogue I face in my head. I don’t believe working parents are selfish at all. I know that for many families, not working isn’t an option. Yet I am hard on myself for knowing that when faced with the option, I choose to work.
Digging Deeper
Earlier I mentioned how I admired my friend’s stay-at-home parents, but with a little bit more internal digging I’ve realized what I admired had nothing to do with their career decisions, but how they treated and raised their children. The kindness they exuded. How present they were in their children’s lives. How they cared for their families. And I believe I can find that presence and kindly care for my family in similar ways, while working.
On my first day back, a co-worker shared the below picture with me. She said her daughter gave it to her when she was 10 and she’s now carried it in her purse for years. She said, “I felt like it was acknowledgement that she knew working had nothing to do with prioritizing ‘motherhood’ as less - warmed my heart.”
I can only hope my girls feel the same way.
I really resonated with the crave for financial stability. The more money we make the better it is for our future. But to manage this balance I work part-time for now and that comes with completely free housing. So that helps a ton. I don’t have to use consistent childcare and just sitters from time to time. Which also helps. We are able to save so much money not paying anything to live. I crave the day I’m a full stay at home mom. But I’ll likely always do something to make money but from home.
It was such a tough decision for me to go back to work after having Jillian and Cleary. I’m glad I did. I hope the girls can tell you that they had a wonderful childhood. I know they don’t remember how clean the house was. But they do remember Dana making them grilled cheese when I worked in the evening. They actually miss it. I think both of them ask for his grilled cheese when their home. You’re not being selfish for wanting to work. You’re an amazing mom and your girls love you. 😘