How Is Social Media Impacting My Motherhood?

Is any of it even worth it?

At the end of each year, I do a big journaling session where I reflect on what the past year held, and then I project what I want the next year to entail. Every year for the past 4 years or so, I consistently write one thing: Social media drains me. Yet, every year…I do nothing about it.

I know my life feels so much clearer, fuller, richer without it. Yet here I am - still with it.

I often will delete the apps from my phone for a couple weeks when I realize how crappy they make me feel, but then I’ll decide to download them again when I have a picture I want to share - usually Charlie’s monthly birthday pictures these days. It’s then that I find myself getting sucked down the rabbit hole all over again.

*Waste times scrolling through the app. Start comparing my life to stranger’s highlight reels. Start buying things I don’t need. Realize how crappy I feel. Delete. Feel better. Redownload. Repeat.*

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My generation was the one that grew up alongside the introduction of social media - MySpace pages, AIM chats. Then Facebook pages, then Twitter, then Instagram, SnapChat, TikTok, and on and on and on. I watch my niece and nephew embrace these platforms for the fun and connection of it all as they get closer and closer to becoming teenagers, and in my heart I worry.

I think about all the times social media has made me, a full grown adult, feel insecure or lonely. I think about it’s imprints and impact on how I grew into a young adult. I struggle to imagine what impact it would have had if it had been a constant presence in my life from childhood to now. I don’t say this with hoity-toity judgement of “These damn kids today and their phones!” I say this with curiosity, but also concern.

Kids are now growing up with different norms, just like we did from our parents. Were our parents this concerned over things like the evolution of TV or video games? I don’t really know.

I look at my daughter and wonder: When is she going to ask us for a cell phone? Will I stick to my guns and say “no” if I think she’s really too young? What is considered ‘too young’ now? I got my first iPhone the year before I went to college. There’s no way that’s the “norm” today.

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Often when I reflect on how I want to be as a mom, it all boils down to this: I want to model behavior. I don’t want to be a hypocritical in the way I parent. I want my parenting to have boundaries, but also be rooted in empathy.

I cannot tell you how many times I am in public and I watch a parent scrolling mindlessly while their kids are playing around them. And I get it. Parenting is tiring and sometimes a little mind-numbing break feels really good.

There were several nights where I mindlessly scrolled in Charlie’s dark nursery to pass the time while I nursed her or gave her a bottle. She would finish and then I would lay her down and walk out the room, feeling a little guilty. I really couldn’t take the twenty minutes to be present with my baby? I by no means intend to be perfect or preachy, but I have stopped taking my phone with me to feed her. It’s a small act that I do to personally feel better about how I spend my time.

I mean…isn’t it bizarre that people find it normal to be on their phones so much they take it with them to the bathroom? Just really think about that for a second…

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One of my old co-workers is a mom to two little ones, and I really adored and admired her parenting style. She deleted all her social media years ago, and repeatedly said “It was the best decision of my life.” It inspired me. Can I pull the plug? It’s not like doing so would be some huge act of bravery. So can I just do the damn thing already?

Jennifer Garner gave an interview where she explained she wouldn’t let her kids have social media until they showed her a study that outlined the benefits of it. Again, I was inspired. Again, I didn’t take the action. I ask myself again: Can I just do the damn thing already?

I’m drawn to social media for it’s ability to share content and connect. But the truth is, that isn’t what is happening on it. By now, most of us are following celebrities and strangers giving product recommendations - convincing us those things will make us feel how we want to feel. They rarely do.

My friends rarely post life updates, if any at all. When they do, there’s a chance it doesn’t even pop up on my feed anymore with all the other noise surrounding it. When I do post, because I want to share Charlie updates or my writing or songs I love, I even feel embarrassed. “Why am I posting so much as a 28-year-old? Don’t I have better things to do?” …but you know what’s weird? I know people are on it, viewing it. I’ve been in countless situations where I am in a group and I see for my own eyes people scrolling through posts. They just have stopped sharing anything themselves. What once could be used for connection and is now very one-sided, and feels more like selling than connecting. More distractions. Less engagement. Less human.

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This ramble does not even touch on the ways moms on social media lead to wildly unfair comparisons.

‘I did this routine with my baby since they were born and now they sleep through the night at 4 months!' ‘I bought my baby these organic baby clothes and bed sheets because I am super mom.’ ‘This $700 stroller is a must-have; I couldn’t possibly imagine strolling my baby in a cheaper one.’ Yuuuuck. Excuse my sarcasm, but it all… grosses me out. I know that there is some genuine good advice and relatability out there, but how much of the crap do you have to wade through to find it?

I’ve found texting the people I know that are also new moms is always much easier, and feels better. Oh hey, there’s that connection I said I was drawn to! In real life. With real humans I know.

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Maybe this sounds preachy. Maybe this resonates with you. But I know that it feels really great to get these words off my chest. Maybe taking the time to express all my feelings was the nudge I’ve needed all along to do the damn thing.

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A final note: SubStack is a really great online platform, that focuses more on long-form content that genuinely makes you think, laugh, consider. It’s a rare actual feel-good place online. And there are plenty of mom-focused writers here too! Below are some of my favorites Publications. I encourage you to check them out :)

Your Mom: Candid motherhood stories on all of it. “Birth stories, horror stories, poop stories, you know what it’s life.”

The Reset: “Basically, this newsletter will cover alllll things self-care, nutrition, holistic health, and intentional living— but in a down-to-earth & grounded & realistic kinda way, ya know?”

Body Type: “I offer thoughts on how movement, food, media, and culture affect body image, because I want to feel better about my body and help you feel better about yours.”

The Review of Beauty: A critical review of beauty culture from “the woman the beauty industry fears”